“I still have joy.

I still have joy.

After all the things I’ve been through,

I still have joy.”

 

Song – I Still Have Joy by Dorothy Norwood featuring The Atlanta Chapter GMWA Mass Choir

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The month of August (2024) started on a relatively high note with many messages about the more positive side of things, specifically joy.

 

“In life, most of us want what we have envisioned for ourselves. We have plans and visions, some of them divinely inspired, that we want to see through to completion. We want to be happy, successful, and healthy, all of which are perfectly natural and perfectly human. So when life takes us to places we don’t consciously want to go, we can feel as if something has gone wrong or we must have made a mistake somewhere along the line. But in reality, this is just life’s way of taking us somewhere we need to go for reasons that are deeper than our own understanding. These hard knocks and trials are designed to shed light on our unconscious workings and deepen our life experience.

 

Often it takes something major to wake us up, to shake us loose from ego’s grip as it struggles to maintain the illusion that it is actually in control. It is loss of control more than anything else that humbles us and enables us to see the big picture. That lack of control reminds us that the key to the universe lies in what we do not know, and what we do know is a small fraction of the great mystery in which we live. This awareness softens and lightens us, as it helps us release our resistance to what is. Another gift gleaned from going to these seemingly undesirable places is that, in our response to difficulty, we can see all the patterns and unresolved emotional baggage that stand in the way of our unconditional joy. Joy exists within us whether things go our way or not. And when we don’t feel joy, we can still trust that we can find it if we are willing to surrender to the situation and move through it.

 

We can take our inspiration from any fairy tale that finds its central character lost in the dark woods, frightened and alone. We know that the journey through the woods provides its own kind of beauty and richness. On the other side, we will emerge transformed — lighter, brighter, braver, and more confident for having been through that darkness.”

–DailyOM, The Places We Go

 

While using my PTO (paid time off) to celebrate my birthday in August, I had the opportunity to listen to a Sarah Jakes Roberts’ video, Joy is Coming. This video featured Serita Jakes and Christine Caine. During the introduction, Sarah Jakes Roberts provided some interesting insight and asked some thought-provoking questions:

 

• What do I need to understand about who God is in this season of my life?

• Joy comes in the morning. You know it is still night because the joy has not come yet. I may just be in the middle of my night season. (Serita Jakes)

• We sometimes have to surrender to know joy.

• “Your testimony is being fine tuned.”

• “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” God is joyful because he knows how things will turn out, he knows that everything always works out. (Nehemiah 8:10)

• Perhaps you are losing  joy because you have felt forced to be your own covering/protector.

• Have faith for joy, not just surviving.

• Do you fear joy because it may not be sustained? Are you able to receive joy? (Reference: foreboding joy)

• What are you demanding from people and things that you can only get from yourself and/or your Higher Power?

 

Though the Nehemiah reference somewhat contradicts what I have been told in therapy about the necessity of grieving, I understood the overall message of trusting that God’s joy was indicative of the idea that everything was ultimately working out for the best.

 

Sarah Jakes Roberts also turned the pulpit over to Christine Caine, who I was not familiar with. Christine talked extensively about how we drift in our relationship with God based on the things that we are consumed with or distracted by. She emphasized the importance of being honest with ourselves and authenticity. She also talked about how social media is not always demonstrative of honesty or authenticity. 

 

Much like Pastor Touré Roberts’ message, Christine Caine underscored the necessity of authenticity in each of our lives. To a degree I felt like some of my health challenges may have been about forcing me to be more authentic. I did not have the energy to pretend with people or to prioritize things I did not truly care about. As I have mentioned before, these challenges forced me to communicate when I could not do something, to cancel plans, and to forgo obligations that others tried to commit me to. To an extent, these health challenges gave me the “excuse” that I needed to justify to myself why I could not and would not continue to do all of the things that I had grown accustomed to doing. They created boundaries that I would have not known how to create on my own.

 

Returning to the words offered by Christine Caine…

 

Christine connected her sermon back to Sarah Jakes Roberts and Serita Jakes’ remarks, noting that we lose joy when we drift away from God and away from our purpose. Christine Caine also mentioned the dangers that exist when we are distracted by other people’s business. While Christine was talking about being more concerned with the world than with God, to me this speaks to how I have been more distracted by other people than my own healing. I had to wonder, is that part of how we got here? I found this particular section of the sermon interesting because I have randomly noticed that I tend to see some of my symptoms worsening when I am behaving in a way that is not authentic to who I am. When I am giving my energy to things (or people) that I do not actually care about or when I am operating at a lower vibration, my stomach or my bladder have a relatively instant or immediate reaction.

 

In an unexpected turn of events, Christine Caine also took the church to task, commenting on the difference between being chosen and being liked, calling out and calling up. She cautioned us against treating what other people think about us as being more important than what God knows about us. 

 

Christine Caine asked some very pointed questions:

 

• Do you have social media or does social media have you?

• Has your will become bigger than God’s will? Should it be? 

• Are you experiencing discomfort because you do not have control? (There was another word about surrender here.)

• Have you become comfortable in joylessness?

 

She concluded, in part, by telling a personal story about the importance of being anchored. This reminded me of a Sarah Jakes Roberts interview with Angie Martinez when Sarah said, “When a boat’s anchored, it sways, but it doesn’t move.” The more closely I listened to what was being said about being anchored, the more it seemed to be synonymous with being grounded.

 

As I was listening to Christine Caine, I was reminded of one of my first public speaking engagements, which was for a graduates church service back in 2015. So much of what was said underscored what I had told the graduates. Words that I was now repeating to myself.

 

Also in August I learned that the issue with my shoulder was inflammation-related. I was diagnosed with adhesive capsulitis. Due to having had gastric bypass and because of some of the gastrointestinal conditions that I have been diagnosed with, I am unable to take oral anti-inflammatories (NSAIDs), so the Orthopedist gave me an injection of corticosteroids and numbing medication into the joint capsule. I was also referred to Physical Therapy if needed.

 

Shortly before the Orthopedist appointment, I had a follow-up Gastroenterology appointment to discuss the lab work from several weeks prior. I learned that it was recommended that I have iron infusions and begin taking prescribed Vitamin D2. It appeared that my stomach was still not absorbing the nutrients from my food or my supplements. That implied that SIBO was still present even though many of my food intolerances seemed to be fading and my gastrointestinal issues appeared to be improving. Luckily the bloodwork showed that I did not have any malnutrition-related issues, though my weight remained lower than both the Gastroenterologist and I would like. I did some limited research about iron infusions and a few other persisting symptoms, finding that pretty much all of what I was experiencing connected back to SIBO. That included:

 

• Lack of weight gain

• Vitamin absorption issues

  • Iron deficiency (anemia)

  • Vitamin D deficiency

• Interstitial Cystitis/Pelvic Floor Dysfunction

• Fat Malabsorption

• Inflammation caused by food

• Food intolerances

• Numbness and tingling in my legs and feet

 

It appeared that the bacteria in my small intestine was having a field day with my nutrients and depriving my body accordingly. Having iron infusions would push the iron into my bloodstream to increase my iron stores. This method prevents the nutrient from going to my stomach and running the risk of not being absorbed appropriately. Hopefully, this option would alleviate some of the vitamin deficiency induced symptoms. Also - hopefully - the initial four sessions would be enough and I would not have to continue with iron infusions on an ongoing basis.

 

I tried to continue taking Creon for fat malabsorption issues and to support my pancreas, but some of the side effects that accompanied the medication made me uncomfortable taking it at the originally recommended dosage.

 

I had also introduced Oil of Oregano and aloe vera into my daily routine, limiting Oil of Oregano to a ten days on, ten days off regimen. I was cautious about taking Oil of Oregano for too long, as it could start to cause gastrointestinal issues rather than just treating them. The idea was that the Oil of Oregano would kill the bacteria in my small intestine and that the aloe vera would soothe and heal my stomach. 

 

Let me just say, SIBO die-off symptoms (or what I hoped were die-off symptoms) are not for the weak. Around day five or six I noticed that my body (especially my bladder) was rather quickly sliding into a flare up, with the joint inflammation and interstitial cystitis symptoms becoming very difficult to ignore. As is common for me, I reviewed what I had eaten each day to figure out what could be contributing to the flare so that I could remove it from my diet as quickly as possible.

 

I began wondering about the role that chicken bone broth protein powder may have been playing in the consistent inflammation that I was experiencing in my hip. Over the next few months I tried incorporating pumpkin seed protein powder into one to two smoothies per day. This helped me to keep my protein levels up and consume more calories. Pumpkin seed protein has a variety of nutritional and health benefits, many of which speak to some of the deficiencies and health challenges that I have been experiencing. Since my body sometimes has a sensitivity to protein, I also tried incorporating egg-based protein powders (Drink Wholesome, Anea) and almond protein powders into my morning smoothies and protein bars into my daily snacks.

 

In addition to alternating protein sources, I also found some relief by using peppermint tea, peppermint capsules, and peppermint gum during stomach and/or bladder flare ups. 

 

I stopped consuming chocolate/dark chocolate on a regular basis. I learned that: “While foods aren't the original cause of SIBO, certain foods do encourage the overgrowth of the wrong bacteria in your small intestine. If you're feeding them their favorite foods, they're going to grow more, and that will trigger more of your SIBO symptoms… you can help reduce the overgrowth by starving the problematic bacteria of their favorite foods.” (Cleveland Clinic) Though I was not consuming that much chocolate in the first place, limiting my consumption of it appeared to be assisting my small intestine by starving the bacteria and reducing the caffeine that may have been worsening the inflammation in my bladder. 

 

Despite taking many of the triggering foods out of my daily diet, I continued to have issues with intermittent pelvic/bladder pain and unexpected gastrointestinal issues. From the research I had done previously, I knew that something else that could be causing these challenges was stress. Similarly to my prior thoughts on fear and inflammation, I had to wonder if I am not always cognizant of being stressed, but perhaps my body is fully aware and/or greatly impacted by it.

 

In addition to what I was recognizing about my relationships with authenticity, fear, and stress, I was also starting to realize that my tumultuous relationship with trust went deeper than I originally thought. (Reference: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTN32xer9/)

 

I was relieved that my worst days were not nearly as bad as they had been just a year ago, but I was still in varying degrees of physical pain - primarily with my joints and my pelvic area - pretty much every day for the majority of the day. While looking for encouragement and perspective to help me push through and better understand my pain, I came across some helpful quotes and insights:

 

• Facing off with the reality of being human. –Sarah Jakes Roberts, Power Moves

• “Don’t get stuck in perseverance.” -Sarah Jakes Roberts, Hungry for Hope

  • Be cautious of getting stuck because you think that moving away from persevering means you are giving up hope that things can change. 

  • Do not shrink to stay loyal to a struggle. 

  • Operate from a space of healing before you see evidence of the healing.

  • Step out of perseverance to pursue the character and opportunities that you are being called to.

• Am I running out of time or am I running out of faith? –Sarah Jakes Roberts, Rise, Slay, Eat

• Bishop T.D. Jakes, The Theology of Quietness: https://youtu.be/FvgJL1_4DU8?si=dcHENPEkZ7RL53ae

• “Feeling defeated. Feeling like my body wasn't mine.” –Alex Elle

• Some experiences are intended to humble you and to make you relatable. –Lauren London

• Spirituality vs. Religion: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DAElb50tOoe/?igsh=MWVxMXdxZHAyY3BveA== 

• “Learn to live a little even when you’re going through a lot.” –Paula Sojo

• Growing closer to God. Recognizing the increase in disguise.” –Sarah Jakes Roberts

• “Stop resisting and surrender. You stand no chance of winning under these circumstances.” –Anime

• You only get one body.

• “In those moments when we feel discouraged, it’s helpful to remember that we don’t ever really go backward. It may be that we are at a standstill because there is a new obstacle in our path or a new layer to get through, but the hard work we have done cannot be undone. Every step on the path is meaningful, and even one that seems to take us backward is a forward step in the sense that it is what we must do to move to the next level. In addition, an intense growth spurt requires that we rest for a time in order to fully integrate the new energies that have been liberated by our hard work. When we feel we are not making progress, we can encourage ourselves to take a moment to rest. We can meditate more, feed ourselves well, and get extra sleep. Before we know it, we will be spurred on to work toward the next level of our development, and then this rest will make sense as something we needed in order to continue. Once the sun rises, it doesn’t go backward but instead follows its path in one direction. It may appear to stand still for a moment in time or to move more slowly, but it is steadily moving forward on its path. We are the same way, and once we have moved through something we can never really go back. We may be resting or revisiting issues that seem old. It’s natural to feel stuck, but in truth, we are always taking the next important step forward on our path.” –DailyOM, Every Step is Forward

• Living a life of trying to avoid triggers isn’t the goal. Focus on healing. (Reference: Dr. Efrat Lamandre)

 

In her “You’re Still Covered” sermon, Sarah Jakes Roberts references Matthew 6:34 (“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”) She also talked about how many of us are doing too much because we do not trust God to do enough, how we are worrying ourselves sick. 

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This made me consider the various routines that I have created because of the things that I do not trust. I do not trust that I will remember things, so I started writing everything down. I did not trust myself to prioritize some things, so I tried doing everything. I do not trust most people to follow-through, so I have become skilled at pivoting and pulling an alternate plan out of thin air. I no longer trust most doctors or practitioners and therefore became consumed with doing my own research and jumping through hoops of fire in an effort to heal myself. 

 

I continued to roll the idea of trust around in my head, remembering what Sarah Jakes Roberts said about being cautious about happiness, about trusting that the good really is the good and there is not something challenging and unexpected on the other side of it. 

 

I also realized that the experience that I had with these health challenges made me wonder about trusting God.

 

I could say that I do not trust most things/people outside of myself, but the obvious response to that is that God is not a thing or a person. And - of course - there is the idea that God is not external, but within. So if I do not trust others (or maybe I trust them to be who they show themselves as), if my trust in self is rebuilding, and if my trust in God is shaky, what do I have?

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“It's hard to navigate a tough season of physical and mental pain. But honey, I believe your situation is temporary. Even if it's not physically short-lived, you can strengthen how your mind and soul process what you're going through. You are worthy. Period. No matter what. And the more you understand how worthy you are, the more likely you'll find your strength again. You've got to believe that! Say to yourself, This is temporary. I'm going to get through this. Fight against those feelings of wanting to give up; of not being worthy of feeling better. Don't lie down. Rest, but then get up on the days you can and fight for what you deserve. Honey, you are worthy of feeling better, doing better, and being better. Keep working on your mind and heart. I don't care what the outside looks like. You are beautiful. Once you find your inner peace and beauty, you'll never let yourself go. Even if it feels like your body is failing you, focus on what is true on the inside. Be present, and everything else, honey, will pass.” 

–Tabitha Brown, Feeding the Soul

 

There's beauty in my brokenness.

I've got true love instead of pain.

There's freedom though you've captured me.

I've got joy instead of mourning.

You give me joy.

Down deep in my soul. 

Down deep in my soul.

Down deep in my soul.

 

Song: Joy by Vashawn Mitchell

 

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Read Part Eleven: I Am Healing, I Am Whole

Read Part Thirteen: Standing On the Promises

Find additional posts and resources here.