“At this point of my life, I'm just trusting God. 

I think that I've resolved that - no matter where this journey takes me - I know that if He's with me, I'm gonna be okay and everything's gonna be alright.

And I don't need to stress about the particulars.

And I think I'm learning to embrace discomfort because that's life.

And so, if I'm in green pastures, then I'm in green pastures and if I decide to walk in the valleys, then I have to remember that He's with me.

And I don't have to love it in the valley. 

I'm safe and I'm secure.

And I'm exactly where I need to be.”

 

Song – Exactly Where I Need to Be by Naomi Raine

 

In some of my prior posts I have referenced the concept of lack and/or the scarcity mindset. Over the last month and a half I have spent some time trying to better understand scarcity and what it is that I lack. Much like in my prior post, I continue to come back to certainty, but the reason for this lack of certainty is still not clear to me. I assume that some of this may be due to trauma and the routines that I have implemented in an effort to protect myself from experiencing the same or similar trauma again.

 

Interestingly, Sarah Jakes Roberts made it a point to explore the relationships between the concepts of lack, trust, and surrender in her sermon You’re Still Covered. Much of what she said could also be connected to fear and though I do not always feel fearful, I was reminded during a prior divination reading that inflammation is an indication of fear in the body. When mulling over the statements made by Sarah Jakes Roberts and the perspective shared by the intuitive individual who provided my divination reading, I thought about how I am definitely someone who has grown accustomed to very specific expressions of who my Higher Power is and just what He can do. 

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I don't think I like your religion

Don't always make the best decisions

Not sayin' you don't have good intentions

I know that you are only human

But you blame your God when it's your own fault

Where is the love that your God spoke of?

Your God has nothing to do with them

That's what you were told, let's just be honest

You didn't even take the time to find it yourself

You just took their words to be true

You don't even know why you believe what you do

But you blame your God when it's all your fault

Where is the love that your God spoke of?

Your God has nothing to do with them.

 

Song – Religion by PJ Morton

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Part of this process reminded me of The Shack and how I was growing more comfortable with seeing God as a man after the loss of my father. The Shack drives home the point that God embodies different forms depending on what we need in that moment. Prior to my father’s passing, I struggled with seeing God as a man and preferred to think of God as a Black woman. In part because so many people act as if it is not possible for God to be a woman, let alone a woman of color. 

 

Following my father’s death, I learned to find comfort in God being more of a father figure, recognizing that my initial issue may have been that I could not find comfort in a relationship where I was supposed to fear the person that I also looked to for comfort and guidance. (Reference: Proverbs 14:26) How do you have an honest and open conversation with someone while feeling like you have to hide things from them because you may be condemned or punished?

 

I also recognized that I had some discomfort with some of the sacrifices that I have been taught were obligations of being a Christian, the sacrifices that we were allegedly called to make by God. I did not know how to feel about a higher power who demanded such things from me. While reading Philippians 2-3, it occurred to me that - despite not being comfortable with the concept - I had already spent a good deal of my life sacrificing and it left me rather empty in many ways. 

 

In trying to broaden my perspective of who I see God as, I researched some of the other names for God that are discussed in Sarah Jakes Roberts’ sermon. I found that I was not as familiar with the identities of Jehovah Shalom, Jehovah Shammah, and Jehovah Sabaoth. Part of me believed that I had not learned of these expressions previously because their purpose did not align with nor inform my prior experiences. These three expressions were particularly interesting to me. The emphasis on peace, destruction, restoration, and identifying the best weapon for this particular war all seemed to be vital to this journey that I was on regarding my health. I had to ask myself if these experiences were about renewing or reframing who God is for me and, in many ways, who I am for myself.

 

As an aside, I have mentioned feeling as if my health changes were taking control of my life. I was reminded of that feeling when Sarah Jakes Roberts spoke about Jehovah Nissi and the banner of protection. When she said, “You are not suffering without covering,” I felt tears well up in my eyes. I was guilty of being someone who had asked God and my personal cheering squad to remove me from the wilderness rather than asking them to sit with me in the wilderness. I had desperately been asking for the environment to change instead of embracing the idea that I was in this particular wilderness/season for a reason. I can fully admit that part of me was fighting the idea of this state of being becoming my new normal… because I did not like the idea of there being no resolution, no healing, no improved quality of life.

 

Side bar: This concept of covering is discussed in an interview with Lauren London that really opened my eyes to the fact that - to a degree - I thought I was above going through certain things, that I had more control of my life and outcomes than I may actually have.

 

Prior to experiencing these changes with my health, I had done a lot of separating myself from religion, but I had not fully embraced nor explored the wreckage that was left from that separation. I had determined what I no longer believed, but I had not fully settled into what I still believed. It occurred to me that I had spent more time trying to figure out my relationships with other people instead of concerning myself with the entities that were working alongside me to help me fulfill my life’s purpose and curate the best possible experience for myself.

 

After listening to some previously referenced sermons by Sarah Jakes Roberts, I had written down the phrase “heart posture” to research further. From what I saw online, it appeared that the concept was specific to the  Bible and referred to how the condition and position of the heart translates into actions and life. Sarah Jakes Roberts talks about finding comfort and trust with God and Jesus after seeing their heart posture in the Bible. This led me down a rabbit hole about the difference between God and Jesus, but that is a conversation for another post. What I realized was that finding comfort with who God was to me and what God actually asked us to do regarding sacrifice and practice involved truly observing God’s heart posture and determining my own.

 

This research led me back to those concepts that make me uncomfortable: lack, trust, and surrender. The idea that all three of these concepts play a role in a relationship with God and in grounding, seemed like a very loud reminder that I had more work to do.

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As I have learned more about the Root Chakra, I have also learned that many times we operate in survival mode after experiencing trauma. Survival mode helps us feel like we have “control” in situations where we have previously felt powerless or where things felt uncontrollable. Too often we get stuck operating in survival mode and this damages our nervous system. It also hinders our ability to trust anyone outside of ourselves (if we even truly trust ourselves). Sitting with the notion that having control does not mean having power nor does it truly provide the same comfort or assurance as having power brought me back to a few different passages in Power Moves where Sarah Jakes Roberts wrote about how we settle for control (the off-brand version of power) when we feel powerless, but how that does not actually assuage the feeling of powerlessness and is less about us and more about how other people perceive us.

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Stumbling upon the idea that surrender is a way to respond to urgency reminded me of an epiphany that I had while driving. I thought about how I could trust cruise control, how I could allow the guidance of cruise control because I can actually see it working. The idea of seeing something work is synonymous (for me) with establishing certainty and makes it much easier to trust what is happening. Maybe that was part of the issue with how I perceived God. I had limited God because I could not always see God moving nor was I certain that how God was moving was how I wanted God to move. What God was doing was far outside my control, yet had the potential to upend my whole world. I also realized that I was struggling with prayer, because - at a minimum - I could not always see God actively listening to me. I think that is why I had grown to embrace symbolism (like Angel Numbers) because it was more tangible and did not require the same sense of blind trust.

​

There is also a message in all of this about how I get frustrated when I cannot impose my urgency onto God (or even onto my body). Despite my push for healing, I have absolutely no control over when I will or if I will receive it.

​

I thought about whether my expectations around healing were unrealistic. I reflected on what healing looks like in the Bible and the - perhaps erroneous - idea that healing is/should be simple or instantaneous. This has also been frustrating because I often find myself wondering why my healing is taking so long. This is what happens when we are told that we only have to press our way through a crowded space and touch the hem of God’s garment to be cured. We are left with self-criticism about our worthiness to be made whole. Have all of these doctors appointments and years filled with challenges not been synonymous with pressing my way? Am I pressing my way incorrectly? Where is the garment for me to touch?

 

In these moments I have a better understanding of why Martha was so quick to confront Jesus after Lazarus’ death. Frustration, fear, and loss will make you confront many things. My Therapist had mentioned that I would have to grieve the loss of my health. There was a part of me that was agitated that I even had to face this battle or grieve this loss. I am tired of pouring out my issues and concerns only to be met with silence.

 

In light of my growing number of questions and my continued urgency about all things healing-related, I decided that it was time for me to read some of these healing stories for myself.

 

Reading Mark 5:21-43, I realized that - though the woman with the issue of blood (Veronica) was healed instantly when she touched the hem of Jesus’ garment, she had battled her medical issue for twelve years. I could only ask that my challenges not last that long. Veronica’s story was relatable in other ways. I noticed that the scripture said that she had seen many doctors and spent all that she had, but only continued to get worse. In the same chapter, we learn about Jairus’ daughter (possibly named Talitha), who was believed to have passed away at the age of twelve. The message that seemed loudest for me in these scriptures came from Mark 5:36:

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“Don’t be afraid; just believe.” 

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I know that I am not the only one who prefers the tangible to the intangible, who finds believing to be difficult when things are not getting better. This was further confirmed for me while reading Luke 17:20-22 and John 4:48 after listening to the Revisiting Altars sermon by Pastor Touré Roberts.

​

As I was listening to the sermon, I began thinking that the Grace and Grounding series could be one of my altars, a period of my life and a series of experiences that I had chosen to memorialize because these experiences had forced me into spaces that I likely would have continued to avoid. Though I have always had a habit of writing down quotes and ideas, I took something different from what Pastor Roberts said, particularly these points:

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• You are responsible for mastering, managing, and stewarding what God has already said to you.

• The importance of being authentic versus allowing others to define you. Recognizing that many of your greatest opportunities will not show up for you until you are being your authentic self.

• There will always be confirmation and clarity if you keep walking and follow the instructions. Abraham started moving towards the promise. This is the difference between “if you believe me, I will show you” and “if you show me, I’ll believe you.”

 

Reflecting on the sermon, I was reminded of how long it had taken me to become comfortable with publicly being my full self. Part of this was due to a lack of certainty that who I am would be accepted. This highlights something that I often ignore, which is the internal fear that has existed in my mind for most of my life. This directly connects to the urgency that I have mentioned before. It appears to be fed by lack, mistrust, and my inability to surrender. Perhaps I was wrong when I said I was not obviously fearful. Maybe I was fearful, but my body was more aware of that than I was, hence the inflammation.

​

I did not like the idea that I was fearful. Perceiving myself as fearful led me to believe that I am frequently operating at a disadvantage. This disadvantage sometimes causes me to unintentionally keep score. For the last several years, this scorekeeping has been between my body and I… and my body appears to be winning. I do not typically consider myself competitive, but this series of losses had been particularly disheartening. Much like God, my health was not exactly tangible. So here I was with an intangible problem with very real consequences and an intangible Higher Power and cheering squad that I was supposed to believe would walk me through this.

​

As I considered that thought a little bit further, I was surprised to realize that I was not just battling my health, but - this entire process - was leading me to truly challenge or battle myself. (Reference: Psalm 143:8-12)

​

This fell into alignment with chapter 9 of Power Moves (Outside Forces), specifically when Sarah Jakes Roberts says, “Turns out being powerful doesn't mean that you'll feel like a big-shot boss who takes no prisoners. You'll still have to wrestle with all the emotions that make us question ourselves. Being powerful is giving yourself permission to be honest about your capabilities, desires, needs, and feelings at any given moment and without judgment. It is permission to live authentically so you can show up without preconceived limitations from yourself or others.”

​

Though I was feeling a little unsettled by many of my latest realizations, the aforementioned passage made me wonder if pulling all of these threads was actually making me a more powerful person.

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As I continue to work through the importance of changing my mindset about everything happening to, for, through, and around me, I have started asking myself some very specific questions:

 

• Are my body’s reactions reminders of when I am stepping outside of myself?

• Perhaps I was misdiagnosed in the past. Was part of the necessity of having gastric bypass surgery a way to force me to get the correct care?

• Are the delays with medication purposeful because these are not the correct prescriptions or plans of action for me?

• Should I not be taking any medications so that I can truly feel my symptoms and hear/listen to my body?

• And, again: Have I been letting this circumstance define me in some way?

 

I also had some passing questions and thoughts about the symbolism of being “accident prone,” which led me to find a TikTok video with the affirmation/mantra: “I release the pattern within me that created this.”

 

Despite wanting instantaneous healing, I have recognized and am beginning to accept that it may not happen in that way. This has forced me to sit with my discomfort in my body, my discomfort with my emotions, and my discomfort with my spirituality rather than denying that it exists. I have continued to limit my symptoms research (though I still slip up from time to time) in an effort to demonstrate trust, but also so that I can be more present with my body, not always thinking and trying to problem solve. I can only imagine how my body feels about being considered a problem to be solved.

 

In late July my shoulder pain became bad enough that I scheduled a doctor's appointment. Though the doctor explained that I would likely have to see an Orthopedist and could not offer me many solutions, she said something profound during the appointment: “Do what works for and feels right to you." To me, her statement emphasized the importance of feeling my way through things happening with my body versus trying to think my way through them. This made me revisit the episode of Unprisoned that I quoted in my last post (“The brain is an employee, not the boss.”). These were two thoughts that also reminded me to limit my research because that was my brain trying to control what was happening, not me considering what felt right.

 

My quest for uncovering what felt right and for spiritual guidance led me to participate in Vibroacoustic Mat Therapy in the days leading up to my birthday. As I was getting ready for the session, the power went out. Even once the power came back on, the internet was out across the county for more than 12 hours. In the days following, someone described the outage as a moment where we all were forced to stand still. That statement resonated with me, as I wondered if my health had offered to me the same stillness that the internet outage had offered our community.

 

I found the Vibroacoustic Mat Therapy session extremely helpful. I left the session with my stomach feeling open and more capable of deep breathing for the first time since having gastric bypass surgery. I was reminded of the importance of singing, dancing, and engaging in childlike joy for my well-being. Again there was an emphasis on doing what feels right. In addition to healing-related guidance, I also received some very pointed messages and recommendations:

 

• “Your body is not mad at you.”

• Know that your ancestors are supporting you through your healing. They are always with you.

• Work to address your gut and inflammation issues by offering cooling to the body. Yes, inflammation is about fear, but there is also a component of heat. (Suggestions: Oil of Oregano, aloe vera, coconut cream)

• Issues on the right side of your body are not only connected to giving too much, but also to the male/paternal relationships in your life.

 

During the session I had a strong urge to reach out to a cousin who I have been in ceremony with before. After speaking with her, I was left with insight about where I put my energy, not being so responsive to other people’s emergencies or urgency, and recognizing the people who are settling for control when they lack power or are trying to fill a personal void. 

 

Urgency. There was that word again. Had I been operating in other people’s sense of urgency in addition to my own? Was all of this my body’s way of limiting how urgent I could be? Is that why I was being forced to slow down and to sit down?

 

When leaving the Vibroacoustic Mat Therapy session, I turned on my car and heard the following lyrics from Fertile Soil by FR33SOL:

 

“If you don't feel it you can't heal. Your mind is not a prison and life is not a sentence. I hope you feel this in your spirit. Just a moment of silence and a moment of stillness can heal it.”

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As I continued listening for messages that shift my perspective, I heard a small whisper that said, “I am healing, I am whole.” I became emotional upon hearing this message because it was a very unexpected reminder that - despite what I am going through and have been through - I am no less of a person. I had unintentionally taken the posture that I was broken or incomplete because of these health changes. This affirmation reminded me that that is far from the case. I have still done so many things - gotten married, traveled, hosted a book fair, taken on a prominent leadership position, made transformational change - despite not always feeling or being well.

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I continue to be hopeful that this pain is temporary, to further understand that there is some uncertainty in determining how long “temporary” is, and to be reminded that my mindset is important. Below are a few quotes that have assisted me in adjusting my crown and shifting my mindset when needed:

 

• “It can take great courage to really sit with our feelings, allowing ourselves to surrender to their powerful energies. All too often we set our feelings aside, thinking we will deal with them later. If we don’t, we will end up storing them in our minds and bodies, and this is when anxiety and other health issues can arise. Denying what our bodies want to feel can lead to trouble now or down the line, which is why being in the thick of our feelings, no matter how scary it seems, is really the best thing we can do for ourselves. When we simply allow ourselves to fully embrace our feelings as they come, we tend to let them go easily. This is all we are required to do. Our feelings simply want to be felt. We often complicate the situation by applying mental energy in the form of analysis, when all we really need is to allow — just like the Earth allows the rain to fall upon it… [T]he deeper purpose of our feelings is to transform the terrain of our inner world, sometimes creating space for more feelings to flow, sometimes providing sustenance for growth. All we need to do is allow the process by relaxing, opening, and receiving the bounty of our emotions.” –DailyOM

• “Settle us in an unsettling season. Establish us in the middle of the shaking.” –Sarah Jakes Roberts

• “Keep good thoughts. Stay healthy.” –Tewa Women United

• “And endurance produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts. He gave us his love through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to us." –Romans 5:4-5

• “Be a good steward of every opportunity.” –Sarah Jakes Roberts

• “Honor where you are. Don’t judge the conditions.” –Vindy Teja & Anna Brooke

• “Angel Number 12 is a message from your angels not to be hindered by old habits that need to be changed. It tells you to look to new experiences with optimism as they will bring about favorable and positive effects and opportunities. This helps with achieving goals and aspirations, and allows for the ‘old’ to be replaced with the ‘new’. Angel Number 12 is a message from your angels to ensure that what you put out to the Universe is of a positive nature. You are asked to stay on a positive path and to use your natural skills, talents and abilities to their utmost for the benefit of yourself and others.” –Joanne Sacred Scribes

 

“Every day the sun won't shine, but that's why I love tomorrows.”

Song - Tomorrow 2 by GloRilla and Cardi B

 

 

Read Part Ten: Made New

Read Part Twelve: Finding Joy

Find additional posts and resources here.