Here I am still asking for the Lord to do it all again
Cause change is hard
I'd rather ask for repetition
Because it's safer than faith in new beginnings.
You said, “I will make a way for you in wilderness and I'II create rivers in the sand.
All it takes is willingness to trust in me
And I will make you better than you've been.

Song – Made New by Jason Nelson featuring Madison Ryann Ward

 

Expectations and overextending myself had left me on a repetitive loop. It caused my inability to rest, my inability to stop pushing myself, and a never-ending sense of urgency. I have written about rest several times already, but I am not sure that I have truly described the urgency that exists in my mind for at least 10+ hours per day. This urgency is what makes me push myself past not feeling well. It is what I saw generations of people do before me. I grew up in a household, in a community where you never used all of your PTO, where you did not miss work unless you had to, where we went above and beyond at work in an effort to prevent the uncertainty that accompanied unemployment. When we were not working, we were participating in extracurricular activities and/or meeting family obligations. I realized that we were all putting demands on ourselves to ensure that others thought that we were good enough or - at minimum - good people. We thought that fulfilling these commitments and responsibilities would help us to sustain ourselves, our reputation, and our livelihood. But were we sustaining ourselves or were we actually just… staying busy?

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“God sees the busy souls that are still empty.”
–Sarah Jakes Roberts, Power Moves

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As I dove into the deep end of all things urgency, I discovered some interesting things. One TikTok account discussed various ways to overcome urgency, one of which was to develop a “deep inner certainty” that your wish was fulfilled. They elaborated by saying that this certainty helps you to know that it (whatever it is) is already yours and that it (whatever it is) is already done. These words resonated with me due to hearing them frequently in church. For me, I can admit to repeating the words with absolutely no certainty that what I actually desired, hoped, or prayed for would come to fruition. I have not always been as skeptical as I have become with age, but I always felt like I may not be the best believer because I really seemed to be missing large chunks of what was required or demonstrated by… belief. I felt that I typically had more questions than confirmation.

What I felt that I could be more certain about was my ability to bring things to pass with my own diligent efforts. Enter the false sense of urgency (or rushing or stress) that had been dictating much of my existence for years, even as a teenager.

The more I hoped to understand urgency, the more I began to understand other things as byproducts. This included uncertainty, of course, but also lack.

Constantly moving in urgency means that I rarely truly rest unless forced to do so. Having the ability to be productive using my cell phone means that - even when I am forced to sit down - I do not always slow down. I move through most days wearing myself out until I shut down. The shut down was always what puzzled me, especially as my health changed and the shut downs came more frequently. While I was researching urgency, I noted that one of the things that the experts seemed to agree about was that urgency is not a sustainable feeling or state for the body. One TikTok account highlighted how urgency or overwhelm leads to shutdown and/or a frantic/frustrated/chaotic disposition. This sounded all too familiar. While I did not present as frantic externally, internally I was often operating very much like a duck under water (paddling like hell).

As I listened to these videos, it dawned on me that urgency was not only affecting my thoughts and my nervous system, but also my body (stomach, bladder). I had to sort through how much of the urgency was a false/self-imposed sense of urgency, how much of the urgency was actual strict deadlines and requirements, and how much was a physical response to internal emotions and feelings. I started by looking at my daily to-do lists. Noting that, while there are some requirements in my day-to-day life, most of the deadlines and requirements that I am up against, I created for myself. Though the Eisenhower Matrix had helped me with moving things around, deleting tasks altogether, and delegating as needed, there was still quite a bit that I was carrying for no reason other than that (1) I did not trust other people to carry it or (2) there was no one else available to carry it.

These thoughts led me to revisit some of the screenshots in my phone. One of which was a quote from The Ezra Klein Show (a podcast that I have referenced in the past). This particular screenshot was of a quote from Dr. Pooja Lakshmin:
 

"You need to know which of the balls that you're juggling are glass and which are rubber. And so often for my patients, everything feels like glass. And so what I say is that when everything feels like a glass ball, that means your body is in fight or flight. You are at max capacity. And your prefrontal cortex cannot… problem solve. So you can't actually make larger strategic decisions when everything feels like a glass ball.

You have to remove yourself from the situation, even if it's just like shutting down your laptop, leaving your office, go for a walk, delete Instagram. Like, whatever you need to do. You have to step away and let yourself get to a place where you can actually feel… and then make decisions from there. Like, allow yourself then to come back to, OK, here's my to do list. Which of these things can be rubber?

I just want to also call out too, our to do lists are like, they're just delusional. Like, literally delusional. And I include myself in this... You really can only have maybe two max priorities for a day. Lots of people talk about this. And so that's not anything new. But it's more about when you decide you have to step out of that panic, fight-or-flight mode.”
 

Dr. Lakshmin highlighted stopping what we are doing, asking ourselves questions, and/or walking away, which seemed to align well with the instructions offered by Dr. Anita Phillips in How to Rest in God and with three of the techniques that were mentioned on TikTok regarding overcoming the false sense of urgency: surrender, regulating yourself, and acknowledging the fear of punishment or uncertain outcomes. The TikTok techniques were explained as being part of grounding exercises.

The more I learned about grounding, the more it seemed to connect back to prior concepts, quotes, and ideas that I had saved in the back of my thoughts (and the camera roll on my phone).

One video explained that - when you are not grounded - your awareness is in your mind. This reminded me of something I read about anxiety, which said that - when you are anxious - your mind is typically in the future or the past, but not in the present. (We see this demonstrated in living color when Anxiety is introduced in the movie Inside Out 2.)

Learning more about the mind’s role in all of this (and how it can tend to be detrimental) also reminded me of a quote from the television show, Unprisoned:

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“The brain is an employee, not the boss.”

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Though the statement was made flippantly and was one small part of a bigger conversation, it was the sentence that stuck out to me most.

Years ago during a Chakra Healing session, I was told that my aura was shaped like a lightbulb, with most of my energy being around my head. At the time I thought that was likely the most accurate way to describe me and the safest way to function. There tended to be more safety and certainty in my thoughts than with my heart, my feelings, etc. I felt like the statement made in the episode of Unprisoned was essentially me being told that I should be operating in exactly the opposite way, that what I thought was safety and certainty was actually not either of those things.

In addition to discussions of grounding, much of the information pertaining to combatting urgency also referenced a blocked Root Chakra. The Root Chakra is connected to feeling grounded, safe, and protected. It is comparable to the foundation of a house. A blocked Root Chakra may be a likely culprit when we are battling issues such as: anxiety, difficulty in feeling grounded and connected to the present moment, lower back pain, leg issues (restlessness or heaviness), emotional disconnection, a sense of disconnection from yourself and others, and trust issues.

Since my Root Chakra has been under active for at least nine years, my interest was piqued at what actively working towards being more grounded could bring to my life and my mindset. There was some very interesting information available about the Root Chakra and the work that could be done to open and balance it, such as:
 

• The Root Chakra governs flight/fight response.

• The Root Chakra is connected to “I am” statements (Questions: What are my values? Who am I?)

• The Root Chakra develops early-on in life (possibly by age 7).

• The Root Chakra can be affected by childhood trauma. In the same way that urgency can lead to shutting down, experiencing a lot of trauma and pain can cause your body and nervous system to shut down, sometimes as a form of protection.

• Touch and affirmations make you feel present in your body, which assist with grounding. (https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTNQ18CCm/)

• Example: EFT Tapping

• Example: Somatic Shake Exercises: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTNQ1TgGP/

• You can use Mudra Gestures for the Root Chakra: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTNQJNbUY/

At least one video about the Root Chakra posed a question that changed my perspective on much of what was happening with me.

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“What if your body is not broken, but you have been through so much trauma and pain that your body and nervous system have shut down to protect you from experiencing and processing more trauma?”

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Many of the exercises, scriptures, playlists, and affirmations that I had come across over the last several years helped me to (semi effortlessly) build a morning routine that I hoped would assist me in grounding myself and balancing my Root Chakra on a more consistent basis. I also felt like I had a different understanding of some practical steps to take to combat urgency or the false sense of urgency.

Something that I would have to explore further were my thoughts and feelings regarding lack and how they contribute to the urgency that I often feel. Funnily enough, what I seem to lack most is certainty, which impacts how I show up in and navigate different spaces. I wholeheartedly admit that I am not certain about some things, especially things that are not tangible or that I cannot see. I tend to rely on myself because I trust that I will not let myself down. Primarily relying on myself means that - too often - I am pushing myself with unrealistic expectations, creating ridiculous to-do lists, and demonstrating a general impatience for myself. I think all of this is likely quite common for many Black women and Indigenous women. People frequently tell us to step away from these habits while not acknowledging that - many times - these habits were developed as a response to being let down by others or ill-prepared in the past. They also tend to overlook the very real consequences that often come with stepping away, not being productive, and not bringing our “A Game” to each space we occupy.

Thinking about my own struggle with certainty reminded me of a scripture that I had heard for most of my life, but never actually read for myself:
 

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1 (KJV))
 

Despite the fact that most people start and stop with the first verse, I found the second verse just as (or maybe even more) powerful:

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“By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.” (Hebrews 11:2 (NIV))
 

The profound nature of the second verse led me to read the full chapter, hoping I would find more encouragement that spoke directly to my desire for the tangible. Admittedly, things got a little dark for me around verses 13 and 39, but I understood the overall point that was being made.

My review of the scripture and of some thorough analyses of the scripture reminded me of something that my therapist asked me: “Any time you are doing the right thing it will not be easy, but is it worth it?” As someone who grew up in the Black church, the question of whether or not the journey is worth it seems like it should have a definitive answer of yes, but - as someone who longs for certainty - I can honestly admit that I am a strong maybe at this point.

That “maybe” is both startling and disappointing. I would like to be certain, to be able to use prior experiences (similarly to what is done in Hebrews) to justify and ground my belief and certainty that it will all be worth it, but what I am facing currently is so drastically different from what I have faced before that I do not feel like I have the same concrete evidence or proof that steers me towards having a truly unshakable confidence that everything will be worth it, that everything will be alright. I have hope, yes, but that feels like a discount version of faith, a lackluster version of certainty.

Some aspects of certainty seem very much like a mindset thing. The more that I explored my thoughts, the more I was met with unexpected guidance towards the need for me to continue to work to change my mindset. As if to emphasize this, there were numbers, words, and messages coming from all directions.

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"Change the belief and you will change the reality.”

–Jordan Flesher

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This made me consider yet another point from this series, when I discussed my tendency to label things as good or bad. I happened upon a related quote that expounded on this concept, giving it different words:

 

“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”
–Jiddu Krishnamurti

This quote reminded me that I am not (and do not have to be) my thoughts. I am just the watcher or observer of my thoughts (https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTNQMdLYm/).

In the midst of some very pivotal moments, I saw the number 809. According to Sacred Scribes, “Angel Number 809 brings a message that you may be currently experiencing obstacles and hindrances, but this is all happening for reasons that will become evident to you soon. Trust that your needs will be met during this time and the Universe fully supports you with your life purpose and soul mission. Become conscious of the many signs, synchronicities and omens that life brings you…” Differently, Astrology.com says that “angel number 809 tells you that you are on the right path towards achieving your goals and desires. Trust in yourself and the Divine to manifest your dreams. If you keep seeing angel number 809, it is a sign that you have completed a significant phase in your life and are about to embark on a new journey. Stay positive and optimistic as you pursue your new experiences. Pay attention to your intuition and inner guidance. Trust that the Universe is supporting you and leading you towards your highest good.”

In retrospect, I think both of these interpretations were providing me with indications of certainty.

I also received some messages about the need for intentionality in my relationship with my Higher Power, my cheering squad, and myself. This was highlighted while I was reading the section of Power Moves where Sarah Jakes Roberts talks about measuring spaces before buying furniture and emphasizes using or operating with “great intentionality.” I started noticing where intentionality intersects with moving in value-aligned ways. Again I went back to my screenshots.

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“...Whereas eudaemonic well-being is a life that is built on meaning and purpose. And when you understand that your activities and your relationships and how you spend your time and energy is aligned with what is most important to you, i.e. your values. And the important piece there is that if you look up values in the dictionary, one of the definitions is that it's a preference of what you decide to be most important in your life. It's a preference. Everybody's values are different. And so real self-care is about making those choices aligned with what you actually care about. And the key there is then that's usually hard. And it does not take away suffering in the way that hedonic well-being can.”
–Dr. Pooja Lakshmin

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This brought me back to the 2017 divination reading where I was encouraged to explore who I know myself to be. That seemed to force me to consider what my values are. Oddly enough, this was also one of the “marinate assignments” in Power Moves. For me, my values are relatively straightforward. I have committed myself to living a fulfilled, joyful, and purposeful life guided by integrity, honesty, and ongoing self-improvement. I strive to positively impact my community, approaching challenges with a solution-oriented mindset driven by curiosity and strategic thinking. In writing out my values and creating values statements, I have begun to realize that I do not always feel like I am upholding my values because of how other people are governing themselves. I am still learning to accept who I am and to show up as my full self after years of occupying the spaces created and decided upon for me by other people. I am also learning to be quiet around those who I do not align with.

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“The people in your life may have more elasticity than you give them credit for. Give them the chance to meet you where you are instead of overextending to be who they think you are.”
–Sarah Jakes Roberts, Power Moves

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The journey continues...

Beautiful blessings with my name on them
What you give won't pass me by
Filling my heart and soul up to the brim
Hallelujah to the sky
Lifting the weight from burdens
Trading my pain for purpose
This feels like a new thing
Holy Spirit moving
With you there's no losing hope or my mind
This feels like a true thing
Your love introducing me
So I can leave the past behind
Feels like a new thing

Song – A New Thing by Madison Ryann Ward

 

Read Part Nine: Shake Loose

Read Part Eleven: I Am Healing, I Am Whole

Find additional posts and resources here.