Pressed down, shaken together.
Running over, running over.
Song – Running Over by Joe Pace

 

As I have been working and writing my way through this health journey, I thought a lot about my willingness to consider different forms of and routes to healing and how this made me different from many of the people that I know, many of the people in my family. At some point in my family’s history, we began relying more on Western Medicine than the skills, practices, and rituals that had been gifted to many of us. Many aspects of Eastern and/or Indigenous healing came naturally to me. I found this surprising since I had not been afforded the opportunity to grow up with exposure to any of the Indigenous practices of my tribe. While I am sure that many of the Black Christian folks who raised me are a little confused about the practices that I have adopted, I find myself equally confused about the ways in which they practice religion and/or Christianity.

“Witches call it spells. Christian's call it prayer. Spiritualists call it manifestation. Atheists call it the placebo effect. Scientists call it quantum physics. Everyone's arguing over its name. No one is denying its existence.”–Jordan Flesher

Over the last few years, I spent time processing why so many different practices resonate with me. I had to ask myself what my willingness to explore other forms of treatment say about me. Specifically, is the guard that many of my relatives have against non-religious practices a generational curse that I am breaking?

My first post in this series highlighted the lengths we are expected to go to to pretend to be well, even in the spaces we step into searching and reaching for healing. It did not take much thought or “internal digging” to write that post. The posts since have been a different story entirely. I have spent countless hours researching, reading about, and implementing practices that were initially focused on physical healing, but became about self-discovery and wholeness. I have found myself truly questioning my beliefs and choices (sometimes called habits) as it seems that so much about who I have become to survive is what is hindering my ability to be truly healthy, happy, and whole. So much information has fallen into my lap without me even being fully aware that I was looking for or needed it.

While continuing to read Power Moves by Sarah Jakes Roberts, I stumbled upon this quote:

“You can do all the internal work in the world, but until you are ready to allow your inner work to be on display, you'll never see how much of a masterpiece you have become.”

The quote made me ask myself, “Is this why the Grace & Grounding series is significant or necessary? Is this something similar to me putting my inner work on display?”

In many ways it is. I tend to write about factual information while sharing the stories of others. I rarely actually share my own story, especially not from a feelings perspective. I have always considered that too vulnerable, too unsafe, too… uncertain. It is easier when people are reading your thoughts and words about a specific issue, but when they are reading and potentially sharing your thoughts and words about yourself? That has always seemed like it has the potential to be disastrous. I now realize that some of that was a fear of vulnerability and some of that was the desire to control how I was seen and the outcomes of how I was discussed. In the midst of all of this I somehow stopped caring about hiding the truth of what was happening to me. I do not know if it was a conscious decision or if it just no longer aligned with who I am or what I was willing to take time to care about.

In my last post I spoke briefly about the 51st chapter of Psalm, which was referenced in a sermon. It was not lost on me that this particular chapter includes a reference to hyssop (Psalm 51:7), which I learned about from Donnecia Brown early-on in my post-surgery scavenger hunt for healing (circa 2022). After reading this particular chapter of Psalm, I was reminded of the attempts that I had made to better understand herbs. I had been discouraged from using herbs to treat SIBO, but I was still intrigued by them, primarily as ingredients in tea. I do not know where my interest in herbs nor my appreciation for hot tea came from, but… I am releasing the desire to dissect why some things intrigue me or bring me comfort. Now seemed like as good a time as ever to further research hyssop, since that was one of several assignments that I had never followed through on. This was confirmed a few days later during a Vibroacoustic Mat Therapy session when the practitioner began talking to me about aloe vera and Oil of Oregano.

Surprisingly, there is a wealth of information about hyssop on TikTok. From what I read and heard, hyssop has both medicinal and spiritual properties. It is referenced a number of times in the Bible, most notably for cleaning or cleansing purposes. Hyssop is believed to aid in healing from intestinal disease, gallbladder disease, urinary tract infections, and intestinal upset. It is also an antibacterial that can be used to help with colds and respiratory issues, as well as to fight parasites.

Also when discussing Psalm 51 in a prior post, I wrote about brokenness and my complex relationship with recognizing, identifying, and/or talking about being broken. As I considered what makes me so uncomfortable about brokenness and the ways in which I feel broken, I realized that many of my thoughts about brokenness were strongly connected to the feeling of being weak or powerless. For me, feelings of being disempowered are heavily connected to being misunderstood and uncertain. The more digging I did around concepts relating to and stemming from brokenness, the louder the alarms associated with certainty and uncertainty rang.

The concept of uncertainty showed up in a variety of ways as I spent a good portion of the month of July considering my values, my purpose, and who I know myself to be. The idea of being sure of “who I know myself to be” reminded me of a divination reading that I had on July 26, 2017, almost exactly seven years ago. Some of the key questions asked were:
 

1. What kind of story do you want to be told?

2. Why are you stuck in the same story about yourself?

3. How can you dismantle who you thought that you were? Who you are not?

4. How can you do more to recognize who you actually are?

During the reading we talked about how I was sacrificing myself too much, living in my head too much, and holding myself hostage over the past. The person providing the reading discussed how I could move through the blocks created by fear, build value into myself for myself, practice mindfulness with self, and provide better care and keep of self. She explored concepts like seeing life as a state of meditation, how necessary it was to “organize my shit” because it was impacting my Sacral and Root Chakras. She also encouraged me to pursue honest and compassionate self reflection, to release the obligations of my past, and to use my website and blog posts to do this work. She gave me assignments that I never completed because they did not truly resonate with me. I did not explore the questions that she asked because much of the reading was overshadowed (for me) by a prediction that I would have health issues beginning in September 2017 if I did not get a handle on my life now. Reviewing the notes from the reading reminded me of why I blamed myself for so much of what was happening to me. I felt like I had failed myself because someone warned me about what was coming and what I needed to do, but I was not ready to take heed and had found myself in exactly the situation that I was afraid to confront. Reading some of the last lines of my notes reminded me of why I instinctively began reaching for Rose Quartz earlier this summer. The Diviner had said: “Being compassionate with self leads to healing.”

I sat with my notes on self-compassion, thinking about how accurate the reading had been, even when I was not in the space to fully receive all that was offered to me. I wondered if it was possibly part of the Superwoman Syndrome that led me to subconsciously have very little compassion for or patience with myself. I am the person who has done so much to focus on and live up to other people’s expectations that their expectations became my own, regardless of whether or not those expectations aligned with who I was, what I value, and how I want to live my life. Not only was I putting the expectations of others before my own, I was also continuing to overextend myself in a variety of ways to try to meet those expectations. Truthfully, that is probably another reason that I had not written many personal blogs, my words would expose me in ways that I was not ready to be seen just yet. I continued to think about how I had chosen to compromise myself, my comfort, and my health for other people and their expectations. Some of it taught unintentionally, some of it done knowingly to ensure safety. This reminded me of some of the lived experience shared by Tabitha Brown when she speaks about how sick she was before she decided to be vegan, to stop code switching, and to prioritize being true to herself.

I thought about how - despite writing otherwise - I still sometimes feel that I am missing the mark when I have to say no, cancel plans, or when I do not go above and beyond because I am not physically able to do so. As if on cue, this quote from Power Moves practically jumped off the page and helped me to do some work confronting this feeling.

“Sometimes being powerful is actually saying you're tired, overwhelmed, angry, confused, or stuck. In a world that applauds relentless productivity, sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is rest.”
–Sarah Jakes Roberts, Power Moves

Considering my reading with Donnecia in 2022 and what had transpired since the reading that I had in 2017, I was struck by the fact that this exact moment was seven years (or more) in the making. I also had to somehow sort through the “spiritual homework assignments” that I had left undone without being too hard on myself and feeling as if I had created the seemingly unhealthy storm that I had found myself in.

On the Western and Eastern Medicine fronts, things were going back and forth between stabilizing and looking rather bleak. I was continuing to ask God to walk me through each day (sometimes each moment), but I could not deny that uncertainty and frustration often showed up in my more difficult moments. The desire to be okay, to be well did not consume me as much as it once did, but it was definitely still present. Part of me refused to believe or accept that my current state of health would be my forever existence.

In late June 2024, I had an appointment with the gastroenterologist, who was attempting to prescribe me Creon and Myrbetriq. Unfortunately the Myrbetriq prescription was not covered by my insurance. While the doctors office attempted to get the prescription approved, I fluctuated between concerns about how the medication would simply hide my symptoms and/or how randomly not taking the medication when the samples ran out would negatively impact my body. I had to wonder if taking medication could be considered yet another way that I was trying to control things. In an interesting turn of events, the medication only mildly assisted me and my own mindset seemed to do more for calming my bladder than the small tablets did.

The Gastroenterologist also ordered some lab work, which led to prescriptions for Vitamin D2 and Injectafer (Iron). It appeared that the supplements that I was taking were not sufficiently supporting my system.

In early July 2024 I had an appointment with the holistic practitioner, whose testing showed that my vitamins, oats, gluten, hormones, elastase and other specific foods were being transformed by viruses, parasites, bacteria, and toxins. This meant that my body was not benefitting from the food that I was eating, but was transforming it into something that my body responded negatively to. She also expressed some concerns of mold toxicity. None of this could be addressed immediately. Part of me believed it was helpful to at least have the information. Another part of me was uncomfortable having the information without an explanation for what caused all of this or a plan for how to resolve it.

 

I don't know how God's gonna do it.
I don't know when, when He's gonna fix it.
I only know God's gonna make a way for me…
Don’t know how. Sure don't know when.
But I'm gonna wait, I'm gonna wait…
Song – Victory by Brenda Waters
 

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Read Part Eight: I Told The Storm

Read Part Ten: Made New

Find additional posts and resources here.